Homicidal Humor
STREET STORIES, CONFESSIONS, QUOTES AND STATEMENTS

by Brian Foster
aka Vonn Auld Kopp

 |  Home  |  About the Author  |   Excerpts  |   Buy Now  |  Contact  |

Excerpts


Story Board

(...) In Houston, both the police and the District Attorney's Office understand that "There are some folks out there that just need killing, but there ain't no horses that really need stealing." These shootings are referred to locally by many investigators as either Urban Renewal or Predator Control shootings. This Old Time Texas logic still holds true in the metering out of justice in America's fourth largest city. If vermin are dispatched in Harris County (Houston), the police will take your statement and tag your pistol in their firearms lab. In two to three months your case will be reviewed by a grand Jury and when you are no billed (found to be justified) the police will return your weapon. If you wound them, we generally don't take your weapon. Concentrate on your front sight and squeeze... (...)


(...) When it comes to Urban Renewal type shootings, Fort Worth and Houston hold to a similar orientation. The good citizens of Tarrant County support their law enforcement officers to the hilt. If you are a crook and mess up in Fort Worth, you will immediately be identified as a Philistine. As such, the rules of engagement will dictate that you are to be smote hip and thigh repeatedly. The folks of Cow Town want it that way. Flashlights and nightsticks have however replaced the jawbones of an ass. Amen and halleluiah. (...)


(...) A conversation overheard at a police Lieutenant's funeral following his suicide. The dearly departed (he was dearly and he's now departed) was an avowed atheist, and was somewhat rabid in his hatred of religion. As two gray headed Sergeants stood beside his coffin, one commented to the other "Would you look at himself now Tommy, all dressed up and nowhere to go." (...)


(...) There are two brothers that practice criminal law in Houston, and are reported to have two fee schedules. The first is if you supply the witness to lie for you. Their second is if they have to supply one. (...)


(...) When you're schizophrenic, you're never really alone. (...)


(...) Pimps were invented so that dope addict whores would be able to wake up in the morning and see something sorrier than they are. (...)


(...) The picking of a Capital (death penalty) jury panel in Texas is a long and drawn out process. The potential jury members are interviewed individually by both the defense and prosecution teams. They are also required to fill out some rather long and detailed questionnaires. These go into life experiences of each individual. Has he or she ever been a crime victim? Does he or she have friends or family that are one the police department? One blue collar member of the group was asked if he could give someone the death penalty. He pondered for a second or two and then replied, "I think my boss would let me off to drive to Huntsville (the location of death row), but I'd have to check. He was struck for cause by the defense. (...)

 

Disclaimer: No person or event represented in this book is real; these are just stories told to me by the big kids.